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GOOD MORNING I KNOW SOMEDAYS ARE HARDER TO DEAL WITH WHEN OTHERS WHEN YOU ARE FIGHT FOR SOMETHING GOOD, BUT THAT IS SATAN TRYING TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM TO HIT THE ROAD YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY JOY. THINK OF SOME THING POSSITIVE. THANK GOD YOUR HERE AND KEEP SMILING. I'M GLAD YOU ARE HELPING ME. KEEEP HELPING OTHERS AND IT KEEPS YOU FROM BEING SO DOWN. THAT IS WHY CHAT WITH YOU. IT IS NICE TO HERE FROM SOME ONE WHO CARES ABOUT SOMEONE YOU NEVER MEET. GOD IS GREAT!!!! LITEHOUSE
Don't ask, I am no poet, but I just felt like that a bit ago, so I wrote it down. I do think what we do in life is important, it matters...How we treat others, how we live our life. Nothing is certain, God doesn't promise us an easy life, but if we should truly believe in him, we may have life everlasting. I find myself trying to make sense of my situation and unable to do so. I find myself in doubt at times, but I try to remember that I must have faith that God will do what is right for my grandchildren. I pray that I may be what God feels is right for them.
Gray shadows, swelling up, halting the neon of a long day, just as spring's blanket of green covers the tattered, torn, winter mantle. Bound together, so tightly they can't be unraveled-life and death, a road worn and well traveled. What lives in the in between, what resides there, filling up the time, that is what matters, weather it brings tragedy or something more sublime.
It is 1:55 a.m. and we, Georgia and I both had fallen asleep early on last night, she is up having a drink and I am up on the computer, I can't sleep any longer, aches and pains. My back hurts and my legs are aching. I can care for the baby however, so that is a good thing. I am still praying and hoping that the state of New York foster care system can be persuaded to be of service helping families reunite rather than tearing them totally apart. I don't know how these places call themselves "child welfare agencies" when they are tearing apart families, rather than helping families stay together and rather than putting money into helping the biological family instead of the foster care family. I am not saying that all biological families deserve to be able to raise their children, but a great many children have grandparents as caregivers, or aunts and uncles, older siblings, etc. I just feel that if given even half the help and benefits that are allowed to foster families--biological families could do a decent job of raising their own children. There are all kinds of agencies to help the foster families and they don't have to wait for eons for the help either. They seen to have a jump on other caregivers! I mean for heaven sake, had any agency helped my daughter when she would ask, with food, a decent place to live, furniture, money, child care, transportation, clothing, etc, and the list goes on (as they do foster parents) then she would probably never have lost her children. I am not saying she did not have complicity in the situation, she wasn't good abut keeping her house in order. To be fair she had her hands full, a fiancee dying in the hospital of AIDS and three small children. These children were very close in age. Her eldest, Jadah was 21 months older than Dante, and he was 14 months older than Imani! That situation makes for a distinctly difficult time keeping the house picked up and etc. For heaven sake, to take the children out on an errand was a major undertaking. Keep in mind that at the time they were taken from my daughter the youngest was only 9 mos. old making the middle child 23 mos. old and the oldest a couple of months away from being 4. On Sat. the eldest will be 5 years old, the middle child was 3 in March and the baby just turned 2 this last Monday! My daughter was in a deep depression because of her fiancee dying and having no financial stability, worrying over everything constantly. To be fair to her, it was after her children were taken from her that she started with the marijuana again. She had been clean doing her pregnancies and she had also stayed clean when she and Travis were in New York, they were both active members of N.A. here and in New York. Yes, in some ways she was not a great Mom, but she wasn't a total wash out either. I know that because of the Nixzmary Brown case and some others before that, the ACS was under the gun so to speak, and they had gotten over-zealous and were getting many more calls to check out homes, etc. I don't think it was an accident that my daughter's landlady was upset with her because of her being behind in her rent and etc. I also happen to know that there was damage to the apt. in the form of kids coloring on the walls and etc. I wonder who called ACS? I can well imagine. At any rate, when Dante cut his foot, that was all the excuse they needed to remove the children. I don't understand why the ACS didn't step in to help this family instead of breaking it apart. I don't understand when I am a perfectly good permanent placement for the kids that there should be a reason to overlook me as a caregiver. I have been approved by CPS here as a foster care provider, they have seen me interact with Georgia in my home, they saw my residence, they talked with me for several hours on several occasions in my home. The children lived with me previously, where I was their main caregiver...What is the problem? They are saying the bond with the caregiver is so strong, well, whose fault is that? New York has been slow as molasses as to getting anything done on this case...it isn't my fault that this has taken so long. God, dear God, please reunite me with my darling grand babies. Pray for me, everyone...I will pray for all of you in your varied situations also. Take Care, remember there are lots of good people in the world. God loves all of his children and we must have faith that things will work out. Lord knows I am trying to garner strength from faith, and trying to keep my faith through this situation. Thanks for the ear, everyone. It helps to be able to let this out. God Bless You All, Stephanie.
Difficult day today. I am down and feel like I am not going to be able to get any help to get the babies back. I am so scared that they will allow them to be kept in New York and that through the fault of my daughter and the many episodes of "dropping the ball" that the foster care agency went through, I could end up losing my darling grandchildren. I guess I would feel differently had I done anything to lose them to the state, or to cause them harm--but I haven't done anything, yet I am paying the biggest price! please everyone pray and if you have any ideas for me, post them. Today I am most grateful for friends! Stephanie.
HEY THERE AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR THAT INFO. I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE HOSPITAL (ASKING THEM). IT'S NICE CHATTING WITH SOMEONE WITH POSITIVE THINKING. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS REMEBER WHAT JOB (IN THE BIBLE)WENT THROU. GOD LOVES US JUST THE SAME. PHILLIPIANS 4:13 ALSO. BE ANGRY BUT SIN NOT. THANK YOU FOR PRAYERS LITEHOUSE
Good Morning: Hope everyone had a restful night and is fresh and able to start in on a new day. I pray for us all to be helped in our struggles this day. I pray for a clear mind to be able to help my friends deal with their problems and I also pray that I can navigate the "system" well enough to be able to deal with mine. The water heater went out yesterday--something entirely unexpected, esp. after the air conditioner was just worked on and fixed the day before. What a deal! Thank God the landlord gets to deal with that and not me. I could not get the money together for that sort of thing. If it was up to me to pay for it, I would have to heat water on the stove, as long as I could keep the electric service on and bathe the baby and I would have to bathe in cold water! But, lucky for me, I don't own the house, so I can call on the landlord. So, you know what they say, "The Lord works in mysterious ways." I always wanted to own another house since my home burned down 12 years ago, but when you have to deal with constant expensive repairs maybe that isn't always the best option. Well, here I go forth to try and slay another dragon! Wish me luck in dealing with the New York "dragons" and pray that I am able to deliver a swift blow to them so that my grandchildren in distress can be saved.
It is ten and the baby is asleep, so I think I will head to bed also. I am exhausted, probably mental stress combined with the physical stuff. I am so mentally fatigued right now that I am amazed that I can keep my eyes open. Just want to say that I am saying a prayer for all my aidpage friends tonight. God Bless each and every one of you. Stephanie.
HELLO GRANDMA ANNIE I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR SITUTATION. YOU KEEP THAT POSITIVE THINKING. GOD HEARS YOUR CRIES. HE SAID TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER NO MATTER WHAT AND IT SEEM THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I WILL RAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY ALSO.YOU LET GOD GIVE YOU REST AT NIGHT JUST LET HIM HAVE EVERYTHING CLOSE YOUR EYES A SLEEP WELL I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PAIN YOUR FEELING BUT YOU ARE IN MY PRAYER LITEHOUSE
I am trying to answer personally everyone who writes to me and tries to let me know that they are thinking of me and my situation, praying for me, and sending comforting messages. Please understand if I missed sending you a note, it was an oversight. I am, like all of us, imperfect, although I am trying. Please know that I go to all the aidpages and try to advise where I would look for help, since some people really do have no idea where to turn and do not know about some options that they may be able to access. I thank you all for the love and concern. It means so much to me. I know that through these pages I have gained some friendships with people I would never have met any other way. Thank you all very much. Stephanie.
DEAR GRANDMA ANNIE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE. SOMETIMES PRAYER IS ALL WE HAVE . JUST BE STRONG. I ALSO HAD LOST MY KIDS TO MY EX HUSBAND FOR 7 YRS. JUST BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY, THAT WAS HOW I STARTED LOOSING ALL MY TEETH. I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING FOR YOU AND IF I CAN I WILL TRY TO HELP.CONTINUE BEING STRONG. GIVE ALL YOUR STRENGHT TO GOD... THIS STROM WILL PASS..I PROMISE YOU THAT. GOD BLESS YOU.
Lord, Please intervene in this situation. Help this dear woman. Bless her to get her grandchildren back. Deliver her daughter from her destructions of drugs and everything else. Unite this family. Save them. Provide for all of thier needs. Please heal Stephanie. Take all the pain from her body. Uplift her spirit. Give her joy. Amen.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007: Sleep was difficult, got a really nice note from an aidpage friend. It came just as I was sitting here feeling very down, It helped a lot. I know that somehow God will help me. I sometimes wake up at night thinking I heard them calling me and then I can't sleep. It is difficult to feel like they need me and I can't even talk to them, let alone see them and hold them close. I feel like they need comfort and I can't give that to them. I long for them to hurl themselves at me, throwing their arms around my neck, wild with laughter, or scared of the "monsters in their room" or just because they want to say, "I love you, Grandma."
Early Wednesday a.m. can't sleep. I was in bed, but I am unable to sleep right now, probably combination of worry and aches and pains of the fibromyalgia. I checked the baby, who is sleeping like an angel, but I am not quite so fortunate. I didn't get to talk to the kids, as they didn't get to the assigned place to visit with their Mother. I don't know if she went to see them or not. That is part of the problem, she doesn't go often enough and then sometimes she goes all the way from Brooklyn to the Bronx and the foster care "Mother" doesn't get there with the children! It is really crazy. I don't understand any of it. Imani was two yesterday and Jadah will be five on Saturday. I wanted to say "Happy Birthday" to them, at least. I can't send them anything, wish I could but then I am not sure they would get it and I also don't have the money to get stuff for them. I am reasonably sure that the Law Guardian and Social Worker make notes on that and will use it to crucify me to the court. I know it sounds terrible but I don't trust the foster care agency to send letters or pictures to them if I send them because I have never gotten one picture they have drawn or anything back after sending things and I know Jadah would make me something,(since I had asked)Funny, she used to send me stuff when she was with her Momma. I just don't trust these people at all. They have already proved to me that they don't care one bit about promoting a relationship between the kids and I. I keep praying and I hope you all will also. Thanks for every single prayer, message, comment, offer of advise...I am grateful to everyone, for any contribution to the cause-no matter what it consists of.